Current going-ons
Hey all,
I was talking to my friend Adam and mentioned that a lot of stuff had been happening, and told him to just read my blog. I also promised I’d have posted it by yesterday, and I clearly didn’t, so I make up for it by doing it today!
So, yes, let’s chat my fellows. What’s been happening? Well…
I hate to say it, but life’s been mostly on a downslope, or at least it feels that way. I mean, sure, my life is arbitrarily better right now than a lot of people’s lives, and for that I am grateful, but relative to my past, things have been getting worse, mostly in terms of my anxiety increasing.
I guess the last time I posted was waaay back in August with a picture of the Chalet. A few things occurred:
- Started a dating profile and dating
- Got my annual review, which didn’t go well
- Stopped dating because of the above
- Going to the gym considerably less because of the above
- Started to eat whatever the hell I want because of the above
- Started to see a therapist, which was steadily but slowly improving my nerves
- Still haven’t really been driving due to anxiety building
- Awesome road trip didn’t happen because of some unfortunate circumstances with my uncle (who’s fine now, thank goodness)
- Work not improving as much as I’d like
- Depression, anxiety at an all time high
- Started to see a psychiatrist as well for medication
My anxiety has come back quite a bit. I keep worrying about my future success and being able to do everything that I want. I keep worrying that my success won’t match that of my friends and I’ll feel inferior to people, that I am perhaps dumb or less capable than them. I worry about my physical image a lot more… not that I am fat. However, I want to be, shallowly, the spitting image of Adonis, or at least more like that, because somehow I feel that’ll make me feel better about myself, more confident. I worry about not being able to travel to all of the places I’d like to go and accomplishing whatever I want to do. I worry about financial stability, even though I currently have no good reason to be that way.
Really, it stems to that I worry I’m not doing the “right things”, where I assume that the “right things” are somehow predestined and I just do not know them, and that I will somehow just screw up in the long run. It is not a way to live whatsoever, and I am consequently unhappy.
So, the resolution to all of these unfortunate circumstances is that I am taking a medical leave of absence to focus on therapy, to work on finding that in which I am truly interested, and to work on accepting the uncertainties of life and embracing change. I have come to accept that perhaps I won’t find *THE* thing that interests me forever right away (I don’t think anybody ever has only one thing that interests them forever), yet that I have to find something more closely akin to this ideal. It’s like an A* search for my life calling where the very-loosely defined heuristic towards the target vertex is my happiness (sue me for the nerdiness, that’s the first thing that came to my head) .
I have a few things in mind for how I will use this newly acquired spare time. I have a few projects that I want to work on, and that will hopefully boost my confidence in my work again (or perhaps make me realize I want to do something else?). It will be a good opportunity to do a few different technical things I haven’t done in a while, and will help me decide what’s the next logical career step.
I also want to reevaluate my priorities in life, and figure out how to manage my priorities better. Thinking of finding a class for time management, and perhaps also stress management.
I also think I’m going to travel for a bit of the time I have. Visit friends in Vancouver and perhaps travel abroad for a week, to try to overcome some of these fears and again build some confidence. I have something set up already, and my therapist absolutely approves of this idea in terms of helping me come to have higher self-esteem, so thumbs up for that.
Also am going to see how I can get back into the shape I once had. Ever since I lost the weight back in 2007/2008, I’ve been a major proponent of health and fitness. Thing is, I never felt I looked *damn* good, and I just want to look *damn* good for once — mostly to prove to myself that I can do it, and to let that never be a reason to feel less worthy of appreciation. It is a bit of a shallow goal, I realize, but it’s natural for people to want to look better — there is a cycle where looking better makes you feel better, and more importantly feeling better makes you look better (and happier).
Further, I want to spend a bit of the time to overcome some stupid fears I have, one of which is this aversion to drive cars alone. I am a perfectly capable driver, but somehow if I am in a car alone I feel like I will forget how to be competent and do something stupid. It’s dumb, I know it, but it’s there for me to overcome.
The last major goal of this time off is to learn how to deal with uncertainty. I’m actually rather nervous about having the time off. I feel like it could be killing career opportunities, or that it will be a waste of time in that I do not progress. Really would rather it not be, and that I figure out what it is I am needing in life and overcome some of these seemingly inherent flaws.
I feel like I have the personality that I could not possibly let myself do nothing during this time, and that I will get my act together and reorganize my life and work towards overcoming all of these rather silly problems. For instance, I repeat to myself to go the library in the event that I have accomplished nothing in the first week of time off.
I feel better right now knowing I’ll be going on the leave. I feel like I should be getting a really positive outcome out of this, however long it actually will end up being.
I guess that’s it for now. Hopefully everyone that reads this is doing well, and feel free to message or email me to let me know. I realize this is my blog and that it’s a space for me to discuss my life, but I do feel guilty I don’t ask others or let others open up to me about their internal struggles so that I can really try to support them and listen to them for once. I feel like I talk about myself a little bit too much, and it makes me uncomfortable when I start to feel that way. Makes me worry that I am annoying (again with the worrying).
Summary: Anxiety is a pain in the ass.
