Social connections
First, I do want to point out that I am indeed posting immediately after the one below. I figured I’d give a double duty of posting tonight. I wanted to isolate topics, and I didn’t feel this post belonged with my personal news update.
This post is going to be about some general thoughts I have about my existing social life, my thoughts about its expansions (or lack thereof), and some after thoughts.
I was just walking back from a house party hosted by a friend named Charles. He was hosting it as a well-belated birthday party / house party / cheese fondue party. Admittedly good times until it seemingly felt dead at 11:30 (roughly). Perhaps this is incorrect, perhaps its revival came to be, but I did not have the patience for it. Plus I’m sick.
Anyway, I reflected on the party on the walk home and realized a few things.
One, I realized is that I am really not that bad at socializing with new people. I often tell myself that I am unable to merge into groups of unknown people, yet tonight was testament that that’s partially untrue, as I was able to start conversations with people I barely knew. Admittedly, I was very comfortable in the setting as I knew most of the people there, but I’d still like to glorify the point.
That’s probably the only positive thing I found. The rest are negative. I guess I am a negative thinker.
Two, I realized that I suck at meeting people by my own will. I only seem to meet people through others. Other people, on the other hand, are easily able of making friends of their own accord. I should work on this.
Three, I realized I am really weird. I knew before I was weird, but the realization is much stronger now. Socially, I don’t feel I connect to people. I did for a bit there when I was talking to a couple about random subjects (one of whom I know decently, the other I had met only once prior to this engagement). Otherwise, the chats felt either a bit on the mundane/the usual, or I didn’t engage in it.
Then, while walking home and glancing at the people around me, I realized how social people generally are, and how generally unsocial I am. I mean, I walked home on my own. I didn’t walk with my friends who lived in the relative vicinity of my apartment. I chose to leave alone and walk alone. Not a bad thing, but certainly doesn’t ameliorate my social habits.
I also have a tendency to think that everybody considers me an acquaintance rather than a friend. So much stuff happens between encounters that I feel like I am just happenstance around sometimes and learn a plethora of stories about people each time I encounter them. I don’t generally have anything entertaining to divulge at each of these encounters. Perhaps I do, but based on prior experience, none of my stories seem to sustain the group’s desire for amusement. I am probably over-analyzing, as I habitually do, but the thought persists. I certainly do not blame my friends for this, as I am really the only one to blame for this.
Of course, this party is not an isolated event. These thoughts persist throughout my life. Even my Crossfit gym I don’t generally feel I belong. I’m good for a few laughs at the gym, but I never seem to fully connect to anybody there, and I never interact with other gym-goers outside of our exercise schedules.
Perhaps I am simply introverted, to which most people I know would respond “ludicrous!”. They’re probably right, though if you look simply at my life on paper (including my thoughts on each event), I think it would suggest as such. Further, it is not a choice in this case. I enjoy social outings, though only in the right settings, and the settings are usually not right.
Perhaps this is also just sickness talking, and the general malaise of the day is sinking into my blog.
Is my blog depressing yet? :)
